Inspiration
Self-care: In This Economy?
You know what’s fascinating to me? The way self-care as a thing for women to do is still so contested in this world. So keenly pursued, but perhaps in secret. And so scorned. So fundamental … and yet so laughable.
This is a bit personal for me. As a self-care writer/life coach, I’m sensitive about those job titles, and what they encompass in the public eye. I don’t like to be lumped in with any old streetcorner chakra balancer (which seems like a thing that doesn’t exist … until you visit Salem, Massachusetts).
So I low-key track the discourse, hoping things are, you know, respectful and dignified out there. They’re not always, but recent discussions got me thinking about the differences between self-care, fitness, wellness, self-optimization, self-improvement, and healing, and how often these different things are conflated. And some of the trouble caused by these cases of mistaken identity.
Because nobody finds lawn care, pet care, elder care, or fabric care all that upsetting. But some folks get really wound up about self-care.
One obvious reason is the way in which some basic and sound self-care concept becomes inflated. In this economy? We see it all the time. Once the marketing department gets hold of this week’s hyped ingredient, applies a self-care filter, and uses it to sell their powdered mushrooms or their ceremonial-grade cacao or whatever, then the whole concept of liquid treats becomes suspect.
Of course, part of the reaction is the way self-care so easily becomes self-harm when it costs an unreasonable amount of time or money. Or both. Self-care can’t take more than it gives—or it becomes abuse.
(But also worth pointing out: this happens in feminized spaces, which is exactly what self-care is. Nobody is crashing out about overpowered trucks for urban dwellers or fancy gadgets for mustache maintenance.)
So here are some ways I think about these things, and what makes them different:
Self-care is basic, fundamental, and not really optional. It’s also known as adulting. It’s giving some thought to your existence in the near and maybe far future, and making choices that Older You will not be pissed to live with. And it can’t harm you in the present, either. Like the Buddhists say: good in the beginning, good in the middle, good in the end.
Most important, self-care is what you must do for yourself. It’s being on your own side in all things. Except perhaps in cases of disability, no one else can do this for you.
Note: self-care is not easily exploited by others. It doesn’t get tricked into bad bargains because it’s not looking for shortcuts.
But it doesn’t exclude ceremonial-grade cacao, as needed.
Whereas self-improvement? It can’t be good at the end, because there is no end. Self-improvement is the glass half-empty. There’s no love of process; it’s all about the goal. But it’s a moving goalpost and you’re never good enough. Self-improvement is like the opposite of mastery, in which there’s always room for refinement, but the journey to mastery is not based on lack. It’s based on love.
Fitness: a solid option, if you like that sort of thing. Key word: option. Note: can be taken too far—see above: good in the beginning, etc.—especially when comparing ourselves to others. Fitness is very individual! As elite athletes are fit for their sport but sometimes not much else, we really just have to be fit for our own lives.
Wellness: in the same way that health coverage is not the same as health, wellness in its commercial manifestation is not the source of being well. Obviously, we are witnessing commercial wellness in its baroque era, and that excess—$23 smoothies, I’m lookin at you, but not only you—is what gets people bent. That, and the lying.
Because we all know that a single tea ceremony will bring a brief serenity, but it does not bring self-mastery. A fancy smoothie brings delight; it doesn’t make you immortal or even heal you. And if you get them too often, it starts looking like self-harm.
Yikes, this is getting long! And these are just early thoughts. I will turn things over to you now! In the comments below, please tell us what you think.
Image credit: Valmuer, Anthonie Christensen, 1892, Statens Museum for Kunst. Used with permission. Cropped.
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Self Care was my name for 2025. I wanted to improve things without making New Years resolutions. It might be my name for 2026 too if I need it.
I have complex PTSD so I often struggle with depression. Something that often goes along with depression is personal self care. We get out of the habit of regular showers and teeth cleaning, especially when we live alone and can’t be bothered. Those habits can be surprisingly hard to re-establish.
I think it’s working! I’ve had a lot of dental work done, which was expensive but very worth it, and I’ve bought new “toys”, a new electric toothbrush and water flosser, to make looking after my restored teeth easier and more fun. Plus a lovely new, not too expensive range of toiletries.
I’m all for self care. As women its very important to look after ourselves properly. It most definitely is not selfish.
Cathy, same here. Congratulations on valuing yourself in these ways. Here’s to ongoing, daily self-care!
Thank you Max. This is a timely and well received message.
100% agree. Self-care is not option–it’s essential to being a well-functioning adult. And it shouldn’t be commercialized or monetized.
Self care gets the same bad rap as “knitting for self”. Both are interpreted, wrongly, as acts of selfishness rather than acts of self-worth. Making life choices based on one’s needs rather than other’s opinions results in a serenity that’s hard to package.
I love this reminder that we don’t need to buy all the things to have self-care. Lately, it’s been a favorite song, sitting on the deck and watching the birds and squirrels, or reading a favorite poem (I checked out a few books from the library, which is free!). I’ve been thinking about the things that make me uniquely me, and trying to explore those areas more. Another area of self-care would be staying off my phone and social media more, but, well, I will start working on that …
Thank you. Great perspective with considerations not in my field until this morning. Seems to have same feel as the interpretations of organic and natural living. If you try to do so, but have not a high-priced certification label, then the perception…. becomes a bit confused here- need my self help, calming words, low-budget time w wool and sticks…
A terrific message and so well timed! Thank you for this!!
A big part of this for me is simply the culture of womanhood. We are so often expected to be the caretakers, the givers, the sacrificers, etc. which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and failure. When you add in the marketing to woman that always tells us we have something that must be fixed, it is a recipe for disaster. I LOATHE those commercials geared to woman that say that our whole bodies smell terrible. In one of them, a woman is rubbing some cream deodorant on her knee cap. Of all places! I have never once in my life thought, “wow, she’s got it together but it’s a shame about her knee cap stink.”
Part of my self care is calling these things out kindly and directly. There’s a young woman at work who spends most of her days out in the heat and sun. She mentioned one day that sometimes, when she’s taking the train home, she feels like people are judging her for taking the elevator to the platform instead of the stairs but she was just too tired and hot. So we had a really good conversation about why we believe that other people even notice things like that and why we let that into our psyches. It’s a baby step but having that conversation and shining a light on something that was contrary to our self care and owning it felt good.
This reminds me of something a wise person told me after I had my first child. You cannot take care of your baby if you don’t take care of yourself. Our “puritan” heritage thinks of self-care as selfish, and our patriarchal society thinks of women as servers. Neither are correct.
It’s funny – I was just writing about similar ideas. I grew up in a poor and abusive home, and no one ever taught me (for example) how to care for my nails. I’ve recently been teaching myself, and learning (for example) I like short, buffed nails. I’m also learning that the process of making my nails the way I like them – that is, finding the right tools and giving myself the time and attention – is very soothing.
Also, for someone like me and maybe in general?, this sort of simple time and attention is genuinely radical (in multiple meanings of that word!).
I really appreciate this post.
It’s another example of how a simple moniker becomes weaponized, made to sound elitist. As a result, we second guess buying that candle or scheduling a massage. Or taking 30 minutes to sit down with our knitting, or read a book. Shouldn’t we be doing something constructive? At all times?
This goes for men as well – the patriarchy hurts you, too. When we can’t take the time to unravel from our hectic lives and the state of the world, we turn into an unhealthy lot – physically and mentally.
So self-care need not be an industry to buy into (though clever corporate marketers will try), it is very simply taking care of yourself, in whatever manner works best for you. And when we do, we are better positioned to take care of others.
Sorry, you lost me when you wrote that “nobody finds elder care…all that upsetting.” You clearly haven’t yet struggled with finding a good agency or person to help one of your elders get through his or her days. Good luck when you get there! (Especially when so many of our valued workers are being wrongly deported. )
I interpreted the elder care comment to mean that no one finds the time you spend on elder care to be selfish, but time spent on self care can be seen that way. Being in the middle of finding and providing care for a 94 year old parent with dementia, I often feel guilty for trying to stick to my boundaries in support of caring for myself.
This was fascinating, and felt spot-on. Thanks.
My new mantra, which I tell people all the time, is “Self care is NOT optional.” That lesson was hard earned. Regular gym, monthly massage, acupuncture, quiet time alone, community. As women, we take care of everyone and everything else. We MUST take care of ourselves.
My children are almost grown now. Somehow, even when they were little, I felt it imperative to not become subsumed to motherhood. Not because I didn’t love them, but because I knew, unconsciously almost, that they would (should!) leave and I would need to retain my identity for the entirety of my life. I always made the time to do the things I wanted to do, outside of parenting, and in addition to a career.
I am fortunate to have a husband who is both a supportive spouse and a devoted father… why is this apparently so rare in the world? I want to say that if you choose to be partnered, I hope you find a person who believes in their and your self-care.
Love this– so important. Thank you!
Well said. Thank you for concisely articulating random thoughts that pop to mind when perusing IG, etc.
Thank you, Max, Carol, and you other commenters too!